myresponsibility | 041

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[Peter's actually been back for about a day.

He remembers where he is. He does. The infirmary's on the second floor, the library's on the fifth, his neighbor's a redheaded woman named Jean who can hear people's thoughts and move things with her mind. So he knows. Everything just feels like... fog. Walking through fog.

Which is how it's felt for months now, honestly. He's not sure what took the Admiral so long - he hadn't really remembered the Barge when he'd been home, but he'd talked to him right after Captain Stacy died, and he'd been alone and desperate and numb when he'd held Gwen's body - but he'd asked, and Peter had said yes, yeah obviously, please, and so he's here.

Except he wants to be here just as much as he wants to be anywhere, which is to say he doesn't want to be here at all.

Everyone's in port when he gets back, and he's grateful for the space the not-quite Endor provides. He just walks, walks, walks, because he hasn't been Spider-Man since that day, and he doesn't think he wants to be anymore. One of the natives sneaks up on him, and apparently, even off brand Ewoks can sense when someone's walking around with a hole in their chest. The hug he receives is bizarrely one of the most comforting things he's experienced since the funeral.

A hug isn't going to fix everything, though, so Peter's back to feeling sullen and empty and numb when port's over. He goes through the motions: stopping by the maintenance office, staring at the pen formation in the ceiling he'd made a lifetime ago last time he was here, eating mechanically in the dining hall, staring over the rail on deck watching the stars with a thousand yard stare that shows he's not really all here. He looks older - not much, but older - and tired and worn, and his reactions are dulled, but it could be worse. At least he remembers.

So Peter's back, but he's not really the same, and it shows. Something's broken. He's not sure it's ever going to be fixed, even if he gets his deal.

It gets worse when he realizes Gwen's room isn't here anymore.]

[ooc: multiples, fuzzy time, old and new cr all welcome. c:]

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[Andrew's been working the maintenance shift for a while now. Not all that well but he's learning stuff, pushing himself out of his shell a little, testing the waters of the whole group thing, like Needy had said maybe he should try to do. With Peter and Chase disappearing, with being paired up with Lydia and all the paranoid insecurity that brought up in him, the distraction has been kind of nice.

He opens the door to the office a little early, camera rolling - he's trying to build up a record of the Barge, his days - and stops short. People come back sometimes, sure, he knows that, but he totally didn't expect to just walk in and see Peter standing there.]

Whoa, dude, Peter?

[Peter startles at the door opening, and startles worse at the voice, whipping around to stare at Andrew, and for a second, all he can see is Harry, Harry from before things got shitty, Harry laughing like a psychopath, Harry-]

H- [He stops, takes in the video camera and the clothes, and feels like he's going to be sick. He swallows thickly, choking back whatever else he was going to say, and tries to recover.

Tries.] Hey.

[Yeah, the greeting is okay, but there's still this look in Peter's eyes, like he's looking at a ghost, or maybe like he's seeing something horrifying. Andrew's half-smile falters and dies on his lips, turning hollow. All his old insecurities scream at him, just as strong and loud and present as ever. He stops looking at Peter in real life and drops his head to watch Peter through the filter (behind the shield) of the tiny screen of his camera, raising the camera up a little higher, putting it more obviously between them. You can bet he's going to be scouring this video obsessively later.]

Um. You, uh, you came back.

Edited 2014-08-13 16:21 (UTC)

[Peter's gaze nervously tracks away from Andrew and settles back on the cluster of pens stuck into the ceiling tile, rubbing a hand over his mouth and trying, trying to just stay rooted where he is, to not let on how bad this feels, because it's not fair at all. At all, but.]

Yeah. Yeah, I- It's- [His eyes flick back to Andrew again, and there's the same sort of haunted expression on his face before he turns away again, barely resisting the urge to run his hands through his hair and tug at it a bit, like that's going to make him feel any better.]

It's been a really long time. For me.

Oh. [That's... not really an explanation. It might explain it if Peter didn't remember him or still wasn't used to being back on the Barge yet, but it doesn't quite explain the nervousness, the way he can't look at Andrew for more than a few moments without looking away. There's this little paranoid voice in his head that won't shut up: he hates me for some reason he hates me I didn't even do anything he's just like Matt just like all the rest of them. He keeps his eyes down on the camera screen, for once almost glad that he can't hold his camera up consistently with his powers anymore so he has an excuse to keep it close, in his hands.]

Like... How long?

Two years? [Give or take a couple months. Maybe more like two and a half, which is longer than he was ever here, which makes it almost four years since he came here in the first place.

He feels old, and tired, and he's only nineteen.

Peter knows he should probably explain, but he doesn't know if it'll help - hey, I can't deal with your face right now because you look like my best friend, who just murdered my girlfriend, and it's not your fault at all but I'm terrible at coping with anything - or if he's even capable of it, so he just keeps staring at the office ceiling, and tries not to completely lose it.]

Jack said it's only been two weeks. [And maybe that makes him lucky, that he hasn't come back to an almost completely different ship.] You, um. [He glances back at him, and tries to hold his gaze a little while longer, or at least stare at the camera.] You doing okay?

[It sounds clumsy, and he knows it, but it's better than nothing, right?

Right?]

[It's so not better than nothing, not to Andrew. Peter not remembering him, that he could have dealt with. That's just weird Barge shit. But this? The way he's edgy, speaking carefully, acting weird for some reason that isn't obvious but makes Andrew feel like the freak in class again. And he feels dangerous too - or should that be in danger? - like Peter knows something about him.

Which is ridiculous. Of course.

But this conversation, it reminds him of Matt, trying to confront him after Steve's funeral. It makes him angry; it makes him scared. He watches Peter in the camera screen.]

Yeah. Fine. [He can't keep his emotions out of his voice, not entirely. It comes out clipped.] I was just-- I was going to work.

[Well, this is going nowhere fast. Or maybe it's going somewhere fast, and it's nowhere he really wants to go, so. Time to bail.]

Okay. [He doesn't want to push, and he doesn't want to deal with whatever this is right now because he's just too messed up, and he sounds just like Harry, and he's fucking this up again, but.]

I can go.

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you wanted pain and sadness right???

ALWAYS

GOOD

SORRY GUYS

(sorry not sorry)

truth

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somehow I missed this tag /o\