God, I'm sorry I like, puked feelings all over the network, that's so not usually me? Are all the whatever these things are called gone yet?

[Except it's shitty, because all those things are things he thinks, and now everyone knows about it. Which is awesome.

Really, really awesome. :|]

We're gonna go back to your regularly scheduled bad puns, sarcasm and bottling up stuff inside now. Thanks.

Honestly, I don't see what everyone's complaining about. Was I the only one who wanted to go to space camp as a kid?

[Don't listen to him, he's being a shit and he knows it. See, look at this dumb little smirk he's flashing the camera from his perch on the ceiling of his room.]

If anyone needs help getting their hands on stuff, let me know. Nice to know being able to climb walls might come in handy here after all. [The smirk flashes a little wider, looks less teasing.

... Except then it fades, because there was a serious reason to turn on his comm and address the Barge at large today. Something he's been sitting on for a while, and it's clear from the muddled expression and tightly pressed together lips that Peter's still not sure if this is something he really wants to talk about.]

You ever get the feeling that us - the wardens - being here is kind of... selfish? I mean, you wind up caring about your inmate once you get assigned and get to know them, but at first? A lot of us aren't here just because we wanna help people. We could do that at home.

I don't know. I'm not trying to like, start some debate that's gonna get everyone turning this into a scene from The Hunger Games, but-

[He runs a hand through his hair, obviously frustrated, and he can't quite seem to look at the camera as he continues.

(He's suddenly very glad Andrew isn't around anymore, even if it sucks, even if he never deserved Peter's reaction to him. Andrew hadn't gotten Gwen killed.)]

There's this guy back home, who I should've done more for. And I can fix it now, but I don't think I'm doing it for the right reasons. I still care about him, kind of, but after what happened? I don't know.

[Peter chews at his lip for a moment and then looks back at the camera for a moment, but hey, that spot on the wall over there off screen is really, really interesting, okay? Okay.]

It's hard, wanting to help someone who did something like that. Hurt you really badly. I guess I kind of feel like a jerk for not wanting to help him just because I screwed up before.

So...

[Between the lighting, the shaky cam effect and the fact that this place is so very clearly haunted, the video feed Peter's broadcasting from the cobweb infested servant's quarters looks like it might be the Blair Witch sequel we've all been desperate to see. Or something.]

I might not have a degree in web design, but this might be overkill.

[Peter's behind the camera, but you can see his gloved - because yeah, he brought the suit - hand brushing aside the cobwebs. There's definitely a part of him that's thinking hey, Parker, this is a terrible, terrible idea, and there's that familiar buzzing at the base of his skull warning him that something's really not right here, but... hey. That's every port.]

Anyone recognize this place? Might want to do a PSA about it if you do, because call me crazy, but- Woah.

[This last piece of web getting torn away reveals who, uh. Left all the web here. The giant, hungry looking spiders spot Peter almost immediately, and start scuttling towards him with absolutely no fear.

Holy horror movies, Batman.]

Something tells me this isn't gonna be one big happy family reunion...

[When Peter realized what was going on - seriously, he's been around for long enough to be able to tell when it's happening - he'd sort of been planning on saying something funny. Or witty. Or just something.

But then he saw who's been trolling the network, and he'd honestly debated not saying anything at all.

Thanks, Harry.

He still posts, maybe hoping to see James or Tim or someone, or Aunt May (maybe not Captain Stacy), and more or less bracing himself for the inevitable.]

This is Peter Parker. As in "does whatever a spider can", Parker.

Not that most of you new guys are going to remember me saying that, but.

What's up?

So, if anyone's coffee machine broke and you don't want to bug the Admiral for a new one, drop them off at the maintenance office and I'll see what I can do. I've been fixing appliances since kindergarten.

[Or, you know, trying to.

(He started getting good at it a year or so later.)]

[Private to Bleu]

Hi. I'm Peter. I'm guessing you've done the temporary warden thing before?

Okay, what's with everyone being such Scrooges? We're a TV special about the true meaning of Christmas waiting to happen!

(Seriously, everyone knock on wood or we'll get a flood based on that out of spite. The Admiral's obviously either actually Santa or a huge, "I have a shrine with candles in my closet to you" fan of the guy.)

It's just for a month. This seriously isn't the worst thing that's ever going to happen to you. Trust me.

[Private to the Admiral]

( gift list for scott, stiles, chris, anya, babs, steve, lydia, mason, ben, kira, luna, jean, dax and gwen )

Hey kids, [Peter gives a friendly wave. He's wearing his Spider-Man costume again, and might be sitting on the ceiling of his room. You can see the corner of his desk upside down from where he's sitting.]

My name's Spider-Man, and I wanna make one thing totally clear: you haven't been kidnapped, you're gonna get home soon, and we're gonna do everything we can to make sure you're having an okay time when you're here.

What's your favorite movie?

[Filtered Away from the Chilldarens]

So, who's left? How're we doing with the kitchens and stuff? I might not be ready to go on Iron Chef, but I can make grilled cheese and soup, if we're short staffed.

And seriously, just so we're totally, totally clear: anyone who messes with any of the kids is getting webbed to the ceiling and left there until the flood's over, if you're lucky. Don't try it.

So, You Just Found Out You're Fictional: A PSA by Peter Parker, your friendly neighborhood... you know.

[Peter's grin is a little cocky, not that you can see it behind the mask. The voice communicates it pretty clearly, though. He's in his room, just coming back from the gym apparently, and has been thinking about this back in port, so here we go.]

First of all, [He holds up a finger, keeping count.] Don't panic. The Barge makes it pretty clear there's like, infinite universes out there, so some of us being fictional? So not the weirdest possible thing that's ever happened. Or will ever happen.

(Anyone else remember that time we thought we were our Halloween costumes? I do.)

Second, [He holds up a second finger. See, point number two, we've got this.] This doesn't mean everyone knows everything about you. I've known Chris for like, two years, and he's been reading about me since he was like, four apparently, and he still says stuff I don't understand.

I mean, about me. There are lots of things Chris says I don't understand. [He's kidding! Mostly. Chris you're a pal but you're weird and will always be weird. Not that Peter's really judging? He's weird too.]

Infinite universes, infinite reboots and spinoffs, I guess. Or just like, horribly inaccurate "George Washington can't tell lies" stuff, I guess.

And last, and most important: [Now he actually sounds a little serious, and he lowers his hand instead of bringing the count up to three.] You being in a comic book or a movie or whatever doesn't mean your life's any less real or important or whatever. I mean, think about it, they don't write books or make TV shows about people who didn't do anything, right? Sure, it's a little creepy, but kind of flattering, too? Maybe?

You go, allegedly fictional Barge people.

Also, quick sidenote, you might want to check out my other PSA "So, You Just Found Out Your Warden is Your Childhood Hero", where I remind everyone that bringing up horrible things that happened to your favorite teenage wizards or Jedis like this is some fun party is a really crummy thing to do, and it means you're kind of the worst.

Remember, we're people too. If you don't want to talk about your recently deceased pet gerbil, we probably don't want to talk about ours, either.

[Private to Dash]

Hey, so, I'm Peter. You need anything during the month, let me know and I'll figure out a way to make it happen.

... Within reason, I'm not like, going to be your hitman.

How are you settling in? You've been here what, two-ish months?

[Open Spam]

[Peter has been cataloging the damage to the ship in every nook, cranny and corner he can get at, taking video, snapping pictures, and writing everything down. He revisits certain trouble spots, ones where they seem bad, but maybe not bad enough to focus on immediately just to make sure they haven't totally fallen apart yet. That means he's on the ceiling of the dining hall, going in and out of unoccupied cabins, knocking on doors of anyone who's got rot outside their cabins and sometimes climbing around in the elevator shaft just to make sure they've got all their bases covered.

He's doing this all in his Spider-Man costume, sans mask, because it's less likely to get caught in the mechanics of the elevator shaft or you know, anywhere else, and he's not looking to get squished or stuck anywhere, thanks.

It's... weird to be wearing it again after so long. He still really doesn't feel like he should, but at the same time, it kind of feels like he's supposed to.

(No, that doesn't really make sense, but bear with us.)

He's also keeping an eye out. It seems like more people are displaced than not, and he's not stupid: even with the power dampeners back in place, there are people who are going to be serious problems, and he's got the ability to stop them, and the moral obligation to do it.

So watch out, Barge. Peter Parker is (a little reluctantly) back in the saddle.

Which means he's got some other stuff to take care of.]

[Warden Filter]

Hey. I'm Peter Parker. Not the fangy, gross, kind of possessed by I don't even know what Peter, [The joke still falls a little flatter than it should, like he can't quite reach the same easy glib humor as before. He sounds (and looks) a little older than he should. He (and his costume) also looks a little grimy, because the elevator shaft is a bit dusty and gross? Maybe we should clean that more often?] Just, you know. Me. Spider-Man. [He tries really, really hard not to let on how weird it is to say that.] And I'm the other warden on Maintenance and Repair.

So, you've all already heard Anya's speech, and I'm not gonna give it to you again, but seriously: we need help. Even if you don't want to go back there, you're gonna have to if this place falls apart. I've been doing a lot of digging around trying to figure out what the best plan of attack should be, and if you need a hand learning how to play nice with power tools, I'm around.

And if you can't handle your inmate, even with reduced powers or whatever? Call me. I can help.

[Anddd now he's a bit uncomfortable, maybe a little unsure, and it shows in his expression a bit, but he clears his throat and furrows his brow and kind of just powers through.] Thanks.

[So, Peter's actually been back for a while by now. More than a month. And he never really got around to announcing... that... Publicly, anyway. And while most people have probably seen him wandering around, looking a little older and a hell of a lot sadder since the last time he was here, and even more glued to Gwen Stacy's side than usual, he still feels like maybe this is a necessary step.

Forgive her, and forgive yourself James had said. Maybe it's time to start trying that.

So he still looks a little weird and hollow eyed when he turns on the video feed, but he looks less so than he has. A little more actively engaged in what's going on around him.]

This is Peter. Parker. [He clears his throat, hoping now more than ever that no one tries to tell him he's Spider-Man, or that they'd read about him and looked up to him and thought he was a hero.]

I came back a couple weeks ago, I'm a warden. And I guess I kind of never got around to this, so. Hi.

[This is harder than he'd thought it would be.]

I've been here for almost two years? [He says it like he's not sure, because time can be hard to keep track of when you get booted home and come back a week later, even though it's been a long, long time for him.] I help out in maintenance, and I hang around the lab sometimes, so if you want to do something with that, let me - or one of the other guys, I guess - know.

[And that seems like the end of what he has to say. Except...]

And I guess I play lacrosse now?

[Public Video, backdated to Day One of the Last Laugh Event]

[Peter isn't in one of the Ferris wheel carriages - he's sitting on top of one. The one he was compelled to get into turned out to be full of actual spiders, and so he's scrambled out onto the roof of the one behind it, which seems safe enough for now.]

You know, call me crazy? [Or, you know, agree with him whole heartedly.] But I've never liked clowns. Or circuses.

Or crazy out of control Ferris Wheels I'd really like to get off of- Woah!

[The camera jerks violently to the left, along with everything else in this Ferris Wheel car, and goes tumbling out onto the deck below. Pretty far below, actually.

Surprisingly, it doesn't totally break in the fall, although what look like cracks are on screen as the camera feed changes to just show the stars over the deck. It holds for a moment before flickering off.

Peter, on the other hand, is no where to be seen. Or heard. Or found at all, actually.]

[Open Spam]

[Peter's not an idiot - well, okay, some people might try and make that argument anyway, but he'd like to point out that they're wrong, he's actually pretty incredibly smart, thanks, just not about things like his own personal safety or rushing into things - so he's well packed for port with his own climbing gear, plus a few extras, which works out great for him until, you know.

He wakes up in the dark, alone, still wearing the Spider suit, at least, and feeling like he's got a really bad head cold, without the stuffy nose and terrible cough, but also without useful things. Like super senses. And the ability to fully stick to whatever surface he's decided to latch on to.

But he's got the costume at least, and after a couple test runs - one of which had ended with him landing hard in a pile of what turned out to be bones, which is just beyond gross - he's managed to find a good balance where he's mostly stuck to the ceiling and moving along without the aid of a harness.

(At least until someone pushes him, anyway. Then he's probably falling on his ass again.)

There's no real direction to his travel, and he'll wind up just about anywhere, although his vague plan is to try and head up.

And, you know, to find people.]

[Public Voice]

-wen? So, [ffffzzzzztt] the ship, yet?

[ffffzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztt]

Check in? Testing, testing, one, two- [zzzzztt]

So, we've got a lot of people talking about finding stuff to do, or like, being kind of out of synch with the rest of us, timeline wise - between psycho brain experiments anyway, dude, really? - and since Lydia was talking about movie nights and stuff, I was thinking we should watch Star Wars again.

I know it's weird doing this kind of thing when like, people know about some of us from movies or whatever, but where I'm from, if you wanna get by in the 21st century, you've gotta see it.

Actually, maybe we should make a list. What other pop culture stuff should people definitely know about?

[This post is brought to you by Peter being really unwilling to discuss certain things.]

[Private to Blight]

[... He probably should have said this earlier, but he didn't, and he's not sure he's sorry about that. He's needed some time, and so has Powers, probably, because just. Jeez. Way to hit close to home, flood.]

Look, you can totally ignore this, or not respond or whatever, [He won't be offended.] But I wasn't trying to mess with you. I don't even know what any of that was. The Batman I've heard about isn't some teenager in the future.

So. Sorry. Believe me, I wasn't planning on any of that.

[For a lot of reasons, most of which he's not sure he wants to discuss with you. It's for the best, considering he still doesn't love talking about his own depressing origin story. u_u]