So, You Just Found Out You're Fictional: A PSA by Peter Parker, your friendly neighborhood... you know.

[Peter's grin is a little cocky, not that you can see it behind the mask. The voice communicates it pretty clearly, though. He's in his room, just coming back from the gym apparently, and has been thinking about this back in port, so here we go.]

First of all, [He holds up a finger, keeping count.] Don't panic. The Barge makes it pretty clear there's like, infinite universes out there, so some of us being fictional? So not the weirdest possible thing that's ever happened. Or will ever happen.

(Anyone else remember that time we thought we were our Halloween costumes? I do.)

Second, [He holds up a second finger. See, point number two, we've got this.] This doesn't mean everyone knows everything about you. I've known Chris for like, two years, and he's been reading about me since he was like, four apparently, and he still says stuff I don't understand.

I mean, about me. There are lots of things Chris says I don't understand. [He's kidding! Mostly. Chris you're a pal but you're weird and will always be weird. Not that Peter's really judging? He's weird too.]

Infinite universes, infinite reboots and spinoffs, I guess. Or just like, horribly inaccurate "George Washington can't tell lies" stuff, I guess.

And last, and most important: [Now he actually sounds a little serious, and he lowers his hand instead of bringing the count up to three.] You being in a comic book or a movie or whatever doesn't mean your life's any less real or important or whatever. I mean, think about it, they don't write books or make TV shows about people who didn't do anything, right? Sure, it's a little creepy, but kind of flattering, too? Maybe?

You go, allegedly fictional Barge people.

Also, quick sidenote, you might want to check out my other PSA "So, You Just Found Out Your Warden is Your Childhood Hero", where I remind everyone that bringing up horrible things that happened to your favorite teenage wizards or Jedis like this is some fun party is a really crummy thing to do, and it means you're kind of the worst.

Remember, we're people too. If you don't want to talk about your recently deceased pet gerbil, we probably don't want to talk about ours, either.

[Private to Dash]

Hey, so, I'm Peter. You need anything during the month, let me know and I'll figure out a way to make it happen.

... Within reason, I'm not like, going to be your hitman.

How are you settling in? You've been here what, two-ish months?

[Private to Bond]

[So. Two things.

1. Peter did not expect to be paired this quickly.

And 2. Peter did not expect his inmate to be James freaking Bond. How are you supposed to warden James Bond? He knew there were people like that on board after talking with Kay - and really, kind of a bummer he hadn't been handed like, Darth Vader's file or something, but hey - but it was still totally unexpected. He'd thought he'd end up with someone who was like, a car thief or a serial killer or basically someone he'd never heard of before, and this was kind of crazy.

Still, he reads the file quickly and doesn't take long after that to get in touch with him over the network, kind of excited to get started on this.]

So- [Oh crap. What is he supposed to call you? Mr. Bond? Bond? James? ... Jimmy?

Okay wait, he's chickening out of committing to a name for now.] We should probably talk.

[Warden Filter]

So, obviously I'm kind of new at this whole thing, and I'm not usually one for gossip, but if anyone's got any information on stuff I should know [Oh crap oh crap seriously Parker you need to decide on what you're going to call him sooner rather than later.] about my inmate, you know, like. From before I got here? Let me know.